Saturday 7 May 2016

Mothers' Day Shenanigans

This post is for childless women, so that we may vent. Women with children may want to give it and the comments (especially the comments) a miss. Mothers' Day is perhaps the most difficult day of the year for women who are childless-not-by-choice. Naturally, it is also difficult for mothers with nogoodnik children who never call or send flowers (or, more sadly, have died), but the mommy bloggers will probably have something helpful to say about that.


Tomorrow is dear Mothers' fine Day all in the morning betime
And I a maid at your window to be your valentine....

Er, no. But it is Mothers' Day in some countries in the world tomorrow, including Canada and the USA, and so there may be liturgical shenanigans at Mass. I have tried to spark a worldwide movement of childless women over 25 sobbing aloud and rending our garments when priests direct our more fortunate sisters to stand and receive our applause, but as far as I know, this has not stopped the priestly practice.

However, I am hearing more and more about priests' acknowledgement of childless women as spiritual mothers, and my mother contacted me on Skype to read me such a pastorally sensitive paragraph in her parish bulletin. Sadly, there was a terrible blooper about our dead mothers and grandmothers living forever in our memories, but I don't think this is necessarily a violation of the Nicene Creed, do you?

Anyhow, I forgot all about Mothers' Day because in the UK it was weeks ago, and it was both a shock and a relief when ye olde neighbourhoode flowershoppe in Toronto sent me an email saying my order had been completed. I had totally forgotten about it, so it's a good thing I ordered in advance.

You, however, if living in a country featuring Mother's Day tomorrow, may not have this luxury of forgetting, so this is my annual post to agree that being childless-not-by-choice sucks. Being overcome with terror that you may never have children also sucks. Being told (over the phone) that you will never become a physical mother is really, really terrible.  However, here I am still alive and counting my blessings. I have married-mothers-of-children friends who worry so much about what Modern Society will do to their children that they go grey or wrinkle before my very eyes. Let's face it: when it comes to crosses, being childless at in your mid-forties in a western country is not the worst one.

Mothers are important to society, and heaven knows how many times I have said "Whoever has the most children wins". Seriously, I almost had a meltdown last night every time this season's winner of Masterchef put herself down for being a stay-at-home mother of four. She said winning Masterchef was the most important thing she has ever done, and I almost rolled about the floor, frothing at the mouth. Every one of those four children is (or will be) a British voter, the inheritor and potential traditor  (i.e. hander-oner) of the great English history, heritage and language.

So mothers--super-important if not as important as contemplative nuns, whose prayers have kept total nuclear annihilation at bay. (That's my explanation for our mysterious continued survival despite the collective evil and stupidity of countless politicians.)  Contemplative nuns are a kind of spiritual mother, but so are all women, really. There are physical mothers who are quite obviously spiritual mothers to girls and boys who are not their own children.

Also, there are aunts.

Being an aunt, I am very pro-aunt. However, I am not merely an aunt to my siblings' children; I am an AUNTIE. An auntie is a woman who is a child's parents' (especially his/her mother's) friend. They say you cannot choose your relations, and this is true. However, you can choose your friends and that includes your friends' children. Nobody expects (or should expect) you to give gifts to children not-your-flesh-and-blood, but you can if you want to (and the parents don't mind), and occasionally I do. Whereas I always hope the child enjoys the gift, thinking it out, buying it and wrapping it up always give great pleasure to me.

This is one of the bright spots in childlessness. When you have no children of your own, you have more energy for the children of your friends and relations, who, if they like or love you, will be delighted that you share their interest in and good opinion of their progeny. Obviously you do not sulk if you don't get a thank-you note because almost nobody writes thank-you notes, except perhaps on Facebook. Needless to say, the thank-you not is not the point. You get your reward in advance through the high of hearing the cash-register go cash-ing! or through the fun you had making the present or imaging the child's joy.

Of course, I am lucky that I live far away, so I am never disappointed by a child's reaction, should it not be joy. Children can be brutal. When I was 14 or so, I was summoned to babysit a little girl, and her face fell when she saw me. "I thought you would look like a fairy princess," she said. Notice how that stuck in my memory. (As a matter of record, I did look like a fairy princess when I was about 10, so there.)

Besides children-children, there are teenagers to talk to, or influence, or mentor, or also to give presents, if their parents are okay with that. Teenagers are very interesting, and often very interested, and enjoy testing you and your ideas. I do not know many teenagers currently, but no doubt I will know more if I become a Girl Guide Captain, as is being plotted by women more strong-minded than me. Then there are university-age women, who should be introduced to other people (boys) their age and invited to parties with other people (boys) their age, and young brides, to whom can give tea, cake and a shoulder to weep on when aspects of their new life overwhelm them.  University-age men are easy to spiritually mother--you just feed them and house them when their roommates kick them out, etc. It's probably best  to house them only if you already have a man in the house, however, and they must never be given their own key.

Well, those are my thoughts on childlessness. If you have any, feel free to emote in the combox, but remember that long-time readers who are mothers are probably going to ignore my advice and read this post anyway. That reminds me: thanks again to Julia and others who have sent me Mothers' Day presents in the past. This is not a cadge for more presents (Amazon), but a reflection of how very touched I am when readers do things like that.

39 comments:

  1. I'll try to refrain reading the comments but, yes, I did read this very enjoyable post. The comment on contemplative nuns and nuclear fall out was fantastic (I only hope that continues to be the case in the pending disaster that is US politics). Also, masterchef: how sad.

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  2. Happy Mother's Day Mrs Mac and other lady readers!

    Won't intrude other than to say: totally agree on the importance of spiritual mothers! I think they are vital in the church, as people other girls & young women & young brides can turn to for advice, support "and a shoulder to weep on when aspects of their new life overwhelm them" - all with the reassurance the spiritual mother will uphold church teachings.

    God bless all the mothers - biological and spiritual, especially the nuns :)

    Southern Bloke.

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  3. Mothers' Day was trumped by the Ascension in my parish today, but that parish never makes a real point of Mothers' Day anyway (aside from stuff about Our Lady.) There's no "all mothers stand" or anything. If there had been, I would have stood anyway! And then made an appointment to speak to the parish priest.

    One of my 7yo students wished me a happy mothers' day (probably not realising that not all women are mothers) and that was very sweet.

    In general, I find mothers' day more stressful than I find it painful. That's because I can't help but think about all the stresses -- sometimes extreme, breakdown-inducing stresses -- that mothers face. I guess that's a sort of depressing spin on it. I keep thinking of the anti-depressants my mum had to dose up on while pregnant with my sister. Fun times for her.

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    1. But all women ARE mothers (or called to be a mother of one kind or another)--St. John Paul II said so! :-D

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  4. Longtime reader here (as it happens, single and childless), wishing a very happy Mother's Day to you, the world's best Internet Auntie! I am sorry about the particular difficulty of this day for you. Wanted to say how grateful I am that you share your thoughts and wisdom via blogging. It's definitely a form of spiritual motherhood and so many of us appreciate it so much. God bless you.
    -C.

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    1. Thank you! Today is not so bad, as I live in the UK, where it is not Mothers' Day (Mother's Day?), and I go to the EF Mass, where liturgical shenanigans never happen.

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  5. I thought I was home free, but attended a different mass and they did a blessing with all mothers stand at the end. So frustrating because I don't remember that happening last year. Just saw a fb post from a friend saying she would avoid going to church today for that reason.

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    1. YARG! And that's so sad that someone would skip Mass (which is a serious sin) for that reason. It is quite literally a scandal, and the more priests who know that single and or childless women are sometimes driven to do this, the better!

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    2. Maybe the lady who skipped church is a protestant. I guess it's still a sin to skip church if you're a protestant, but it's not as bad as skipping Mass. (Right?)

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    3. Oooh, that looks like a trick question! Let me see....It's a sin to skip Mass even if you are a Protestant, but the Protestant's culpability is greatly lessened by his/her ignorance. Going to a Protestant service may be morally neutral, but on the other hand, it may more in keeping with justice to offer God an imperfect worship rather than no worship at all. What would Thomas Aquinas say? (The prohibition against Catholics attending Protestant worship has been lifted since Vatican II, which is very convenient for weddings and funerals. No standing outside the church door in the rain for us!)

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    4. She is indeed a Protestant, as are most of my friends and acquaintances. The thing that came through so clearly was how painful it is for her.

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  6. Domestic Diva8 May 2016 at 21:53

    The priest at today's Mass (I was visiting my brother's parish), spoke briefly about motherhood, with a special mention of the value of spiritual motherhood, then invited all mothers to bow their heads (we were seated) and prayed the blessing for mothers from the Rite of Baptism. I don't know if that speaks to the degree of acceptance I've reached of not having biological children, as well as the degree of fulfillment I find in the many opportunities my life offers for spiritual mothering, but I found that quite lovely.

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    1. That is lovely. Inviting mothers (and the implication here is that spiritual mothers were included) to bow their heads is a lot more pastorally sensitive than getting them to stand up. There's so much less of a sheep here, goats there feeling. But also good for you for having reached that level of acceptance. It can be a hard spiritual and psychological fight.

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  7. A prominent pro-life advocate just wrote on FB: "At the end of church today, the priest called all of the mothers up to the alter [sic] and had us stand there together all looking at Jesus."

    The rest of the post was long, a bit clichéd, and didn't interest me much.

    But WHY do priests do things like that? Mothers' Day is not a feast day. It's not in the church calendar. Calling people up onto the altar is not in the rubrics. Why can't they just limit it to a line in the prayers of the faithful? I'm serious. I would love to know.

    If I had been there, I would have asked the priest (after Mass) why he'd done that. If I were a mother who had been present at that Mass, I would have stubbornly refused to join them on the altar.

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    1. Not being a priest, I can only guess at their motives. One guess is that they feel a need to indulge in creative play with a liturgy that feels impoverished without a lot of personal tinkering. Another is that they want to be liked and think plays for cheap sentiment is the way forward. Still another is that making stuff up and imposing it on the faithful gives them a sense of power when the other kinds of power (like command of a big personal salary) are denied them.

      This is why it is really important for childless women--especially the ones who are over 35--to tell priests how much it hurts to be left behind. Childlessness is a cross for women who properly respect motherhood and we do not deserve to have priests take our cross and beat us over the head with it. These priests are abusing the liturgy and the faithful.

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  8. I was very relieved that our Mass had a nice prayer of the faithful, which specifically mentioned spiritual mothers, and while there was a blessing for the mothers at the end, no-one was asked to stand.

    Julia - the priest got the mothers to stand *on* the altar? ;) But yes, that would be seriously painful for childless and single gals...

    SB.

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  9. Bahaha! I meant 'in the sanctuary'!

    The pro-life advocate says this wasn't abuse because it happened outside of Mass. She might be right. I don't know all about liturgical abuses. Is she right? Is it fine for the priest to have allowed that?

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    1. If it happened before the final blessing, it happened at Mass. If it happened before the final hymn, it psychologically happened at Mass, as many women feel constrained from leaving before the final hymn is over.

      What is fine is a blessing. I had a look at the rubrics in the Novus Ordo, and it is there. Dividing the nulliparous sheep from the childless goats in such an obvious way is not. I still say this priest was a pastoral moron.

      I know a single mother who refused to have her baby baptised because she honestly thought that it was absolutely necessary as a part of baptism for the parents to stand at the front of the church during Mass to have their baby baptised and be applauded. She didn't want to have to stand in front of the whole church with no man at her side while the whole community looked on. That's where "creative thinking" with the liturgy can lead.

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    2. In good conscience, I must state that based on what the pro-life advocate wrote, it's not clear to me whether or not the women were standing in the nave in front of the altar or actually in the sanctuary.

      I have no idea whether or not it happened before or after the final blessing or before or after the final hymn. My guess is that it would have been after the final blessing but before the final hymn.

      Overall, this pro-lifer seemed pretty dismissive (but not rude) about what I had to say, and came down very heavily on the side of made-up Mothers' Day rituals.

      Look, if something is allowed in the rubrics, then I really don't have a huge objection to it. But Mothers' Day is still not in the church calendar, and motherhood is not a sacrament, and if totally unnecessary made-up goats-vs-sheep rituals could conceivably cause people pain, why have them?

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  10. She even says that if it had occurred DURING Mass, it still would not have been an abuse. If that's true, I'm pretty surprised. Can someone confirm or deny?

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  11. At the Mass I went to, the priest called all of the 'mommies and grandmommies' up to the front of the church twice. The first time he gave them roses and chocolates and the second time he gave them rosaries he had just blessed. And this was after telling everyone to wish all the mothers around them in the pews a Happy Mother's Day. All of this in the middle of Mass. And I had to stay behind in the pew while my m-i-l and s-i-l (with a brand-new baby in her arms) went up to get treats and praise. I wanted to die. (I would have burst into tears and left very conspicuously, but I desperately did not want to make the situation uncomfortable for my in-laws.) Seriously, I'm so grateful for my strong Catholic upbringing from my own amazing mom, because otherwise I know I would never be able to force myself to step foot in a church on Mother's Day again.

    I'm not sure if it's liturgically abusive, Julia, (although I can't see how it wouldn't be) but personally, I think it's just plain abusive toward the women in the congregation who are suffering because of mother's day. Your pro-life friend may want to consider that.(And not just women. What about the husbands of couples who are struggling with infertility, who have to watch their wives go through this? What about the children and fathers of families who just lost a mother, especially a young mother? Seriously, Mother's Day is painful for a lot of people.)

    I know motherhood is important and moms deserve praise for all of the sacrifices they make, but I can't see how humiliating and hurting those who are trying to live out a good, Catholic life in the midst of a difficult burden during Mass is a good idea.

    Personally, I refuse to stand when the priest has asked couples to stand up for applause and a special blessing on the Sunday around Valentine's Day and if we are ever blessed with children through adoption, I plan to remain seated as conspicuously as I can a la Sheila.

    And echoing what others have said above, yes, thank you so much for your spiritual mothering, Auntie!!! <3

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    1. Yes, I'm glad you remembered Sheila, sitting in solidarity with us childless women.

      That was AWFUL and neither you nor any childless woman (or husband) in that church deserved that. Is writing to the priest to tell him exactly how you felt an option? Ugh, I shudder. What an abuse. What an insensitive... What do they teach them in those seminaries these days?!?!?!

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    2. I haven't forgotten Sheila either.

      Booklover, that really sucks. Seraphic, the problem might not be seminaries 'these days', but rather seminaries 40 years ago. I don't recall ever having seen a young priest treat the liturgy so...creatively.

      For future mothers' days, I'd echo Seraphic and suggest EF Masses. Or Opus Dei.

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    3. I did! It wasn't our parish (thank goodness!), but I hope that my letter might help some other childless parishioner or visitor in the future.

      And I know!! What are the teaching these priests?

      I know they all mean well, but seriously!! *sigh*

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    4. Thank you, Julia!!

      I totally agree about the young priests!! (I should have said *taught* above!)

      The young priests that I know are all amazing!!

      And that's a great suggestion, thank you!! Usually I try to attend Mother's Day mass at a nearby church that celebrates the NO very well and doesn't do anything for non-Catholic holidays, but we had to attend a baptism this year at a different parish. :P

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  12. I was somewhat fearful of having children and my fears were increased when a sibling was diagnosed with a severe mental illness, one that is sometimes hereditary. That may explain why I have never been bothered by these official acknowledgements of Mothers' Day at Mass, which I always found more embarrassing/inappropriate than upsetting. My complaint is rather that I've taken over a good many 'mothering' duties that would otherwise have fallen on other members of the family, who often don't appear to be grateful or even aware of this. Sigh.

    I've also had the curious experience of visiting stay-at-home mothers who felt the need to fall over themselves telling me about the jobs they had held before they became mothers. I had no idea how to reassure them without sounding patronizing, but I certainly did not think less of them for taking time off (or a lifetime) to raise their children. Since then, I've sometimes wonder if mothers who seem to be 'rubbing it in' are really feeling inferior in some way for not dedicating all to the Career.

    Alias Clio

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    1. I wouldn't be surprised, especially after the latest Masterchef champ being all humble and ashamed of being a stay-at-home mum. Arrrrrrrgh!

      Me, I always tell defensive sounding mothers (e.g. old high school classmates, since we all know we were supposed to become First Woman THIS and First Woman THAT) that I honestly think they have the most important job in the world. Which they do--apart from priests and the contemplative nuns whose prayers keep the nukes at bay.

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  13. I know this Julia - nothing can be added or subtracted from the liturgy that is not prescribed in the rubrics. Priests cannot just make up their own liturgy - it's not on. Therefore, it's an abuse.
    If this had happened at my parish I would have stayed seated. No way am I particopating in these kinds of shenanigans!
    In our parish the priest mentioned Mother's Day in his homily but mostly that May is Mary's month and today we should all honour her as our Mother. There was a little boy giving out flowers as we left but I spent so long wrangling my 3 year old that by the time I got there I missed out.

    Aussie Girl in NZ

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    1. Good for you!

      I would be interested in learning more about liturgical abuses and the OF rubrics. I know that a blessing can be given, but I don't know whether or not the priest is allowed to invite people 'up to the front' for that blessing, and I don't know if it has to happen at a certain time during Mass.

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    2. And...the pro-lifer removed all my comments from her post, and other comments echoing my sentiments. Not sure why. Perhaps I was unwittingly incurring the wrath of mums everywhere and she wanted to spare me from that the next time I logged onto Facebook. To be honest, though, all my comments and all those echoing mine were gentle and reasonable (not at all in the style of the Keyboard Warrior), so I doubt that anyone reasonable could have been offended. But hey. Her post, so her rules.

      I read through the rest of the comments on her post, and there was a lot of gushy praise for her post and for priests who had said things like "Not all women are mothers, but all mothers are women" during Mass (not sure what the point of that statement is.) There were approving comments about the trend of "all mothers" being called "to the front" etc. Some childless women's comments were allowed to remain if they were along the lines of "I am sad because I am childless but I still did not take a carnation at Mass today so please pray for me", to which everyone replied with the spiritual equivalent of "there, there".

      So obviously there's a decently-sized population that enjoys this sort of thing during Mass.

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    3. Sigh. It could be that some mothers don't feel appreciated enough so they need tons and tons of lavish praise from anyone--priests at Mass, strangers on Facebook, snake-oil salesmen on TV--for the work they put in and the sacrifices they make. Besides, women love consensus. It can be very hard, as a woman, to remember that we don't HAVE to have consensus. Men don't need consensus: they have all those interesting compartments which mean they can insult their friends, calling them morons for their views, and still be friends. Weird, but perhaps we can all learn from them.

      Meanwhile, it seems to me that the average woman completely forgets what it is to be childless when she has a child and what it is to be Single and afraid of never getting married soon after she gets engaged. It takes a very special mother to remember the women afraid/sorrowing that they will never be mothers and a special married woman to remember the women afraid that they will never be married. I hope all my married and mother readers are that kind of woman!

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    4. Julia
      I follow that same prolife leader on Facebook and unfortunately she often deletes comments that disagree with her. Try not to take it personally. I totally agree with you and that sort of thing sets my teeth on edge.
      My best friend has been married 10 years - much longer than I- and has no children. This is something she is pestered about and was even out right insulted by her husband's cousin on one occasion. I feel incredibly protective of her and get quite stroppy when people as me "why hasn't she had kids yet? Doesn't she want to?". The cousin who insulted her considers himself to be captain Catholic and he and his wife are incredibly smug.
      When priests do this sort of thing it just reminds me of my best friend. It also reminds me of myself after my miscarriage, sitting in church next to mothers and babies and trying sooooo hard not to cry. If the priest had done something like this then I would have died on the spot.

      Pretty much priests are supposed to do what it says in the book - that's it! It doesn't matter what people like or don't like,!

      I will now get off my soap box.

      Aussie girl in NZ

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    5. Priests need to be told. "I had a miscarriage last month and at Mass on Mother's Day..." "My husband and I have been married for ten years and God has not blessed us with a child. This year at Mass on Mother's Day..." "My mother beat me and my brother for years and nobody helped us. This year at Mass on Mother's Day..."

      They need to be told. I've changed my mind on a few issues thanks to comments from readers. Some of the comments, kindly meant, were like a slap in the face but were necessary and I'm grateful to the commentators who set me straight.

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  14. They really do need to be told, but I wish someone would give them (and any people who work for parishes), a little training on how to respond to people. :P

    The person who replied to the letter I sent about the Mother's Day shenanigans told me that I shouldn't have felt hurt and humiliated because they were quite sure that nobody in the church was judging me.They really did mean to be kind, but . . . arggggggg! Seriously, so much not the reason I felt that way.

    And yes, we do honor Mary in the Catholic Church, but bringing mothers up to receive roses and chocolate in the middle of Mass is not the way to do that.

    Anyway, rant over. :)

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  15. Whatever he/she replied, your letter will stick in their heads. "Judging", good heavens. It's not about other people; it's about having a painful bruise beaten in the very place--Mass--you are supposed to feel safe! Well, at least we here at The Historical Housewife (readers and I) completely understand.

    I think it is time I began writing on this topic well in advance and submitting my articles to CWR, Pastoral Review, American and any other periodical priests are likely to read.

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    1. Yes! I think that would be very helpful at (slowly) educating the church about this issue Mrs Mac.

      Also, a belated *thank you* to Mrs Mac and all the commenters above. You have educated me and any other male readers as to how sensitive and painful Mothers Day can be for you gals.

      As a single guy, Fathers Day just kinda drifts past without too much emotional attention; it would be nice to be a husband and father, but... meh, God hasn't supplied that as yet, and may not.

      But now I have a far better understanding of the sensitivities involved, and how brutal Mothers Day can be for women. Your writings have caused me to quietly mention it to our priests, and they seem to be softening their approach on Mothers Day.

      Thanks to all, and I hope your Mass experiences are less stressful in future :)

      Southern Bloke.

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  16. Our priest specifically mentioned spiritual mothers during the blessing- a liturgical abuse but a better one..,,

    There was a young woman a few rows back balling. She stood for the blessing but really lost it. She was with her parents, no man. I've been thinking of her ever since.

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  17. Ah, a heroine. If all the long-term Singles and childless married women (and survivors of maternal abuse) all lost it on the spot, priests would stop performing elaborate Mother's Day abuses. Men really hate it when women cry. It's a much more effective protest than shouting; Germaine Greer says something like this in "The Whole Woman" and it stuck with me. (No, Greer is not very traddy reading, but she has written some excellent insights and she is not bowing to knee to certain new insanities.)

    Really, I must doublecheck the NO for what it allows re: blessings for mothers during or after Mass. Needless to say, the only mother who gets adulation on Mother's Day during the TLM is Our Lady. Apparently in Toronto, the Oratorians held a Marian procession outdoors and the cold rain fell on parous and nulliparous alike.

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